Mama’s baby, Daddy’s maybe

Mama’s baby, Daddy’s maybe — I grew up hearing this before I really knew where babies came from. It took me a long time to even try to write this post. I don’t really want to explore the circumstances of my pregnancy. It is one of the aspects of my adoption I still have some shame about. It is why I have yet to tell my father about his only biological grandchildren. I thought instead I could try to explain my feelings with a poem.

I’m pregnant

who do I tell, Who will help my fears be quelled

I’m pregnant

Who will be happy for me, There are no parties or joyful times to see

I’m pregnant

Its twins can you believe, I grip invisible hands as I grieve

I’m pregnant

Can I really do this, the mental answer of ‘No’ is crisp

I’m Pregnant

I guess I should tell someone, or all I’ll know is shame in the long run

I’m pregnant

I love them but I’m not ready, I think I will choose adoption, but my choice is unsteady

I’m pregnant

We both know this can’t be out in the open, however you act like I am broken

I’m pregnant

Are you going to help me out, your daughter calls me during labor, and I want to shout

I’m pregnant

Making decisions on my own, sitting in the hospital all alone

I was pregnant

I sit with infants much to small, I feel like I failed them as I bawl

I was pregnant

I send him photos to keep, I get no response, so I spare him a last weep

I was pregnant

It’s a wound, a pain I constantly feel, I have a wonderful adoption, but I still need grace and time to heal