Written by Danelle. Life goes by so quickly, doesn’t it? It feels like time flies by at the speed of light once you have children. They are visual proof of how fast time flies by. Darnell is growing so quickly, and since I was an only child who got a stepsister later in life and was mostly raised by a single mother until my teenage years, I don’t truly understand boys. It has been such a strange but awesome experience to see things from his point of view. I have truly realized how sensitive and emotional I can be by seeing how much he is not–hahaha. He dreams so big and he works for it–I admire that about him. Dani is like a childhood dream version of myself. She is such a well-rounded child who can vibe with most people and make her own fun wherever she goes. Dawn has become such a little adult that it scares me.

It is amazing but scary to watch these little humans grow into teens. It changes my views on life every day. To see the new generation not have to deal with the generational trauma that I carried. To see that they are able to live free, see the world, and form their own opinions is such a blessing, especially since I am able to witness it. Sorry, this became a puff piece. I just truly find it astonishing to watch these tiny miracles be born, take place, and grow to bless me with new insight every day.

Being able to experience sibling relationships is a new experience for me too. It’s a weird dynamic but one I think is beneficial to be the most well rounded. It seems to me that it gives insight into how to agree to disagree. It helps the kids figure out how to forgive. It teaches all the kids how to understand other points of view. I am so proud and fortunate that we were all able to find each other.

Written by Stephanie As you may know, I’ve been working for a leadership development and executive coaching company for several years now, which means I’ve had the opportunity and the tools to study what it takes to succeed, particularly in talent-based situations. I’ve been motivated not only by the desire to help my kids as they contemplate the future–especially our future NBA star–but also in my own journey to becoming a published author (which is happening–see my other blog at http://www.utahpoliticalemancipation.wordpress.com!)

What I’ve been able to identify looks easy, almost simplistic, but it’s much harder to actually do. And the timeframe can be tricky, too. But without further ado, here are the three steps:

1. Figure out what you really want. Simple, right? Honestly, this might be the hardest part. Again, take our future NBA star. What he really wants is to be rich and famous. Earlier, he had thought being an actor or a rockstar would be the better route to his true goal. But now, to quote him, basketball is life. In my case, I’ve known ever since I discovered Nancy Drew mysteries as an 8-year-old that I wanted to be a writer, but for years and years, I didn’t realize I could write nonfiction instead. More to the point for most people–or at least for the other children in this family–identifying what you want to be may not be clear or may be hard to narrow down. And that’s before we even talk about how it can change over time…
2. Get really good at it. Practice, take the classes, do the work, and then do all that again This can also take years, if not decades, and the more you work at it, the more you’ll feel yourself falling short. In my case, it took writing a dissertation for me to finally get over my lack of confidence in my writing–a lack inculcated over years of taking English classes and getting negative feedback. But by the end of a recursive writing experience that yielded 300 final pages, I had written my way into an unexpectedly easy relationship with stringing words together and playing with them until they’re just right.
3. Don’t give up. Again, this would seem to be simple. But it often means sticking with it through so much discouragement. Because the defeats will come, and the sense that you’ve achieved excellence is fleeting at best. It definitely takes resilience and creativity and grit in the face of rejection and even full-on failure. Fun fact: as a graduate student, I entered a writing contest that, rather than acknowledging either of my creative nonfiction pieces, chose instead to give no awards in that category. Ouch.

So that’s the list. Definitive? No. But seriously, can you think of anyone who’s succeeded that hasn’t done these three things?

Written by Danelle I apologize for being away for such a long time. Life has paralyzed me in a way from my decision making. But I want to share a piece of my life with y’all, so here I am.

I assist other birthmoms, just having open communications with them, and I was discussing the triad previously, and the support each point on that triad gets, and the lack thereof for birthparents. As adoption changes and grows, and more adoptees’ voices and adoptive parents’ voices are advocating for openness, people are starting to care about the birthparent’s voice, about the birthparent’s opinion–all points of view for birthparents are not negative, which is something that happens a lot in the media. It’s a wonderful time in adoption in terms of progressing and growing. However, we have so much more to do.

And that’s why I’m so proud to be an active part of growth in my own open adoption. As my kids get older and the dynamics of adoption change, I start to get as scared as I was when it first started. You know, teens don’t really care about adults–they are looking towards learning who they are and their freedoms. I get scared that I won’t fit into the puzzle that they make for themselves as adults. I don’t know why–it’s probably an irrational fear, but it’s a fear nonetheless. I am also very close with Dawn, because she feels like one of my own, and I worry that I won’t be an active part of her life either when she gets older. Also probably an irrational fear, but it’s a fear nonetheless. It’s an unknown, and my mind always goes towards the most negative outcome of how things can work–I’ve had a lot of negative things happen in my life, so to protect myself, I think of the worst thing first and progress from there. And I’m so very lucky that my worst thing didn’t happen in my adoption story, but I keep looking for it, and I don’t know how to turn that off.

I say that to say, no matter what’s going on in anybody’s life–the world is weird right now–and I just wanted to leave a positive note because I’ve been feeling very negative, as you can tell by the lack of posts. But on a positive note, life is hard and it’s rough and it’s bumpy, it’s messy.

But if you look–if you pay attention–the worst outcome didn’t happen in every aspect of your life. You may have some. We all have some where we’re like, “Oh man, I hope this doesn’t happen–that would be the worst”–and it happens. But there are also ways that you looked at and you were like, “This is going to happen this way because that’s my life..” And it doesn’t!

And that’s how my adoption story turned out. Instead of the worst outcome, it ended up being the best. And the progression of my adoption–of course, I keep putting negatives in there ’cause I look for them–it can’t all be good because that’s not how my life works. But I’m happy to say that it’s been great, and I am very thankful.

I thank everyone who decided to log on and read a post about how we make our adoption work. It’s important that people understand that this does work for the progression of adoptions in the future. Thank you for reading, thank you for subscribing, thank you for stopping by, thank you for supporting. I apologize for my long absence, and I’ll try to do better in the future.

Yes, it’s been a minute–a whole schoolyear, to be exact. Not sure how that happened. Dawn continued in her alternative program and, while the high school schedule and content have been demanding, the school continues to be a great fit for her. The twins started middle school, and we were all pleasantly surprised to find the school was terrific: when I met their teachers at curriculum night, I almost cried. My kids were in the care of engaged, supportive people (for the most part), and they flourished. Here are a handful of highlights: sand angels near Ocean Shores (here in WA), Dani & Danelle at the final performance of the Eastside Precision Drill Team, Dawn making cupcakes and considering opening a future bakery, video gaming together, and Darnell on the court.

To be fair, Dani also played some serious basketball during a season that stretched from October into March. And among the highlights not pictured here are Dani’s band performances (she plays saxophone), Dawn’s dramatic debut in several roles (including Juliette) in her school’s production of “I Hate Shakespeare,” Dawn’s prize-winning artwork, Darnell’s elite Fortnite status–honestly, I could go on and on. Hopefully, instead, I’ll be back on to share more sometime soon.

In the meantime, you can check out the drill team’s performance here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilf4JbczkQ8

For many years, my favorite book was Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities, and its opening line–though now cliche–definitely describes our summer:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

We kicked off the summer with a three-generation family trip to France, where my dad performed with the Choral Arts Society of Utah at several D-Day commemoration events. We saw castles and cathedrals across Normandy and visited several museums, churches, and bakeries across Paris. I didn’t manage to bring home a single decent family photo, but we did manage to bring home COVID–across all three generations.

Fortunately, we all pulled through–including my dad, who then underwent a major heart surgery and a lengthy recovery. Meanwhile, the twins went to their first touring Broadway show, Hadestown, and their first sleep-away camp, an adoptee-only camp sponsored by Holt International in Oregon.

And they loved it.

In fact, Darnell declared that he’ll never go to any other sleep-away camp, and he held to it–when the opportunity arose later in the summer to go to a different camp, he refused! Needless to say, they’ve already started asking about it for next year.

Camping fun continued with a trip to Fort Townsend, the state park near Port Townsend, where we enjoyed the company of Ron’s brother and his family AND managed to beat the heat during the hottest week of the summer–except for that hike up Hurricane Ridge in Olympic National Park (seriously, why was it so hot on top of that mountain??).

But then, once back home, another worst-of: we had to say goodbye to my sister and her family as they packed up and moved to Arizona (for a whole new definition of hot!). We were really sad to see them go, even as we acknowledge that the climate here isn’t for everyone (and don’t get me started on house prices).

August brought some summer colds as well as doldrums. But amid the frustration and lingering sadness, I achieved an exciting personal first: I got published in the paper! Specifically, I had an op-ed published in the Salt Lake Tribune. If you’re interested, follow this link: https://www.sltrib.com/opinion/commentary/2022/08/04/stephanie-thompson-lundeen-our/.

We then fit in another best-of: a trip to Utah to celebrate my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. We also got to visit an amusement park, Lagoon, for the first time since 2017.

Shortly thereafter, a true tragedy struck: Danielle’s father passed away very unexpectedly. My heart grieves for the grandfather that the kids will never get to meet, but our grief is nothing compared to what Danielle is experiencing. It is so hard.

With the twins starting middle school and Dawn beginning high school, I had thought that kicking off this schoolyear would kick our butts. And it hasn’t exactly been a joyride. But after this summer? I think we are all glad to say goodbye to the best of times so long as the worst of times goes with them.

Written by Stephanie. I know I’m a couple weeks late with this, but I wanted to share the really sweet cards we received for Mother’s Day. This isn’t a holiday that we usually spend together, and we were right in the middle of celebrating two birthdays (May is a big birthday month around here). So it was a bit of an afterthought perhaps, but here’s what the twins did for us:

Yeah, they didn’t stay up all night writing those or anything. But they still mean the world to us both. I love that they are comfortable putting us in the same line–Mom and Mom.

And then here’s where Danelle totally blew me away, because I hadn’t even thought to get her anything (yeah, I’m off my game a bit). But not only did she give me a truly thoughtful and beautiful gift, she made the following card:

I’ve looked on those words every day–they have been an incredible boost. And I am so grateful to have, in addition to all she does for our family and for our kids, such a wonderful friend.

Written by Stephanie. Danelle wasn’t the first person to say something about it–I honestly can’t remember who was. But “you and Ron need to get better at communicating” has been a fairly consistent observation (or criticism, ahem) over the past two decades, uttered by friends and family alike.

Fortunately, Danelle is both keenly observant and interested in psychology and the dynamics of relationships, so she’s been able to help us with specific ideas and discussions. I want to say that this really picked up while we were separated by those 1700ish miles. Whether it was the distance (easier to observe from the outside) or the medium of communication (easier to get your entire idea across when you’re recording a video), the conversations around communication got deep and real during that period. I learned a lot.

Such as: what’s the single most important thing in communicating?

Answer: listening. We usually think that the problem is that we’re not being clear in what we’re saying or we’re going about it the wrong way, and that’s true to an extent. But the bigger obstacle is not paying attention to how the message is being received.

And really, that’s what matters. What’s landing? What is the other person hearing?

To truly hear the other person, I’m working on not interrupting and on not focusing on what I’m going to say back. Even if we have a bit of an awkward pause while I figure out my response, I want to respect what they have to say.

I also try to listen for what’s not being said and then voice it if I can. Asking open-ended questions is a good technique for this. Does that make sense? (See what I did there?)

More than anything, I want Danelle to know how much we value her input in our lives and in raising the kids. That’s somehow hard–there aren’t many manuals for a complex blended family with emphasis on the complex. Sometimes, I need to remember to extend the invitation. And other times, I need to make sure I am ready to actually listen.

Written by Danelle. In the words of the great Langston Hughes, “Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.” I’ve always been a spiritual person. However, I thought God forgot about me at times. Being able to go see the twins every week or so was the thing I always thought of when I was asked, “Think of one thing you can thank God for.”

When that changed and they moved, I thought, “Well, the other shoe has dropped—I am forgotten again.” That was not at all the case, but depression makes the world much bleaker than it really is. That being said, I did feel like I’d lost my dreams of what the future might look like. I had to reevaluate what this adoption was and would be.

It felt like my adoption was starting all over again. We tried Skype but getting children to sit and talk on a schedule just did not work at all. I felt like I was losing my connection with Dawn, with the twins, and with Steph & Ron. It was not a good time for me. However, we found an app that worked, and I made sure to make it down for their birthdays every year.

Then the pandemic happened, and I thought, “If I’m working from home anyway, why not work from where they live?” After some aggressive life coaching, a bit of luck, and a blessing or two, I see the kids once a week or so, once again.

Written by Stephanie

Dawn hates change. This has been a feature of her personality from the time she was little. Like on her 6th birthday, when she had a complete meltdown beecause we got her a bunkbed. It was all well and good–we had achieved buy-in, you might say–until we pulled her and Dani’s beds out of the room.

“Temper tantrum” hardly begins to describe it. And it lasted for hours.

We have unintentionally kicked her resistance to change up a notch, no doubt, by moving so much. By that 6th birthday, Dawn had lived at 4 different addresses. She was really unhappy about the move to the bungalow in Skokie (when she was 3) and kept a picture of the old house–a whopping 4 miles away–on her bedroom door. I’d try to lessen her attachment by reminding her of the ants in the walls, the mice in the basement, and the fact that her room was too small to close the door (her bed was in the way). But none of that ever worked.

The only thing that has helped Dawn let go of that earlier loss was–you guessed it–a worse one. Turns out that 1200 miles between houses is a much worse experience. And making that leap in the middle of 4th grade? Unforgivable.

Ron and I have joked that Dawn will never move again. Not that she’ll live with us forever–no, she’ll send us to a retirement community and keep the house. She doesn’t agree. She has dreams of owning Grandma & Grandpa’s house (with its swimming pool) or of buying a big swath of land. But mostly, she’s planning to go back to Skokie.

And maybe, just maybe, she’ll end up in the same red-brick bungalow that she used to hate.